So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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