I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize