omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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