Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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