He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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