i jhust puked up my retainher.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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