I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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