i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am midnight drunk by noon
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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