I accidentally had phone sex last night
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
