I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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