I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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