If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
