I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
