Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
