Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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