Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm jealous of your bromance
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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