just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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