I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize