I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
there's paper in my vomit.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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