do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
