So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize