If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize