Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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