I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
