went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
