I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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