i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
