What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
