you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
