DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
