Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
