why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
