So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
i've created a new STD.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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