why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
