I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize