Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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