Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
They have beer where we have blood.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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