I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
