Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
