Me. At least after what I've been through.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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