85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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