my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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