is your mom at the bar?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
