Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
