So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
