on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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