my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
