The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
