so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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