We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
