Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he laminated a picture of his dick.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
