walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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