we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
