I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
