I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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