i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
