fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
