Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
