mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
