I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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