i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
